Heart Attack Halucinations

Is it live or is it memorex?

That's probably dating me. It was a commercial in which a popular singer of the time was recorded on a cassette tape.

 She had the ability to break glass with the pitch in her voice. They would show a glass breaking and ask, “Is it live or is it memorex?” The inference was that the recording on the cassette tape was of such high quality that you could not tell the recording from the live performance. That is what a hallucination is.

My first hallucination occurred in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. The morphine they administered made me feel and see things that were not possible, but still seemed extremely real. Immediately after the first dose I felt my head split. One head was still attached to my body, feeling and experiencing everything that was going on. The other head was floating along side my body questioning and observing what had occurred from a different vantage point, yet still connected to my body. Both heads were working at the same time. It was bizarre to watch myself from outside of my body while still being physically tied down.

The timing of the next hallucination is in dispute, but not the occurrence. I think it happened the first night; my wife is sure it was not the first night and my daughter thinks it was the first night. At any rate, they were preparing me for a procedure and they had given me more morphine. The process for preparation consisted of getting shaved on my thigh. I thought the guy was using a old worn out butcher knife, as it was the worst shave I had ever received. He told me he was shaving me there because it was where the cardiologist was going to enter my body and access my artery to perform the procedure. I remember it went fine; he shaved me and left a few minutes later.

I had to go to the library. Library? What are you talking about; where did the library come from? Remember, this is a hallucination; it does not have to make sense. Why did I have to go to the library? I have no idea why I wanted to go to the library, but I was determined to go. I was still hooked up to monitors, IVs, etcetera. I remember trying to get out of bed to go to the library; the nurse would tell me to lie back down. I would immediately comply and a few minutes later I would be trying to leave again. The nurse would tell me to lay back down and I would comply. This went on for quite a while; I would try to get up they would tell me to lay back down. It continued until  they rolled me into the room where the procedure occurred.

After the scope down the throat I was unconscious for about two weeks. During those two weeks I had a few hallucinations. The first one I remember was being dehydrated and shrunk because people in the room where I was thought I was dead. I was tied down to the bed. I was restrained in such a manner that movement was impossible. I could not even struggle. I could see and hear; but that was it. I could not convey anything. I could see faces and hear concepts, but I could not communicate with them. I wondered if I was dead, where was my family? The people in the room were from India. They would look at me, express their sorrow, then tighten the restraints. This went on for what seemed like days. They would come in periodically and tighten the restraints.

I was on my back and I remember looking up and seeing this single canister of light surrounded by a square; it was vaguely familiar, but I could not remember why. All of a sudden I was running through a market and they were chasing me, screaming for me to stop. Again I was hearing the concept, not the actual words. They were sincere in their desire to dehydrate me, as if they believed it was in my best interest as I was dead. Then all of a sudden ,I was not there any longer. I was now standing in a control room with huge monitors, with unparalleled surveillance capabilities. I was tied into the world. I was in charge of sending out agents to fight the evils of the world. My two agents were Diana, my daughter and Simon, her soon to be fiancee. By the way, those two were real people. Simon did ask for my permission to marry my daughter a few weeks later. I would send them off to fight evil and through my surveillance capabilities I would help them with the mission; they were always successful. I remember I was proud of their abilities as agents.

I had just sent them off on their next mission when all of a sudden the control room disappeared and I was now laying down on this bed. I looked to the right and saw this short woman with a Caribbean accent. I could not immediately understand what she was saying. I looked to my left and saw this man; he had no distinguishing characteristics. How did they get me out of my super secret control room? I immediately attempted to get up. I was trying to remove what I thought were restraints when I heard the nurse say, “That’s enough; tie him down.” Within seconds they had velcroed me to the gurney and restrained me from attempting to remove more IV lines. I looked toward the foot of my bed and saw my sister Abbie; she was walking in the room saying something. How did she get in my control room? Wait, I'm not in my control room. Where am I?  

I'm confused; what's going on? She must be an imposter; these people must be trying to get information about my control room. She must be an imposter. Then in walks Kasandra, Abbie's daughter. Immediately I reason there was no way they could have created an imposter for her because she had just moved to Florida and they could not have possibly known about her. I calmed down and began to understand what people were trying to tell me. It started to come back to me - heart attack, surgery... but why was I here? I was still unsure of the reality of the situation when my wife came in and right behind her was my daughter. Reality started to materialize and all I could say was, “Wow,wow, wow...” repeatedly. I was in the ICU still tied down to the gurney. By now they had enforced the visiting hours and I was alone with the nurse.

This is one of the worst hallucinations that I experienced. What made it the worst was that some of it was real, but to this day there are portions of it that I don’t know whether they really happened or not. I don’t know if this nurse was actually real. His name was Ishmael; he was Hispanic, possibly Puerto Rican. He had a light complexion, but not white, medium build, about 5’8” - 5’10”. He spoke broken and heavily accented English. He was a nice guy and gave me ice, as they would not allow me to have water yet. Was he real or was he memorex? I don’t know, no one else saw him, but that is not unusual as the night nurses were not around during visiting hours so my family never had a chance to meet him. I cannot remember the name of any other nurse that attended to me the entire time I was in the hospital.

That first night after returning to reality he was my nurse and only that night; I never saw him again, but as I said, this was not unusual. The bed I was in was heated. He told me that the heated bed was for helping with blood circulations, since I had been unconscious for so long. He proceeded to tie me into the bed. However it was not with velcro, it was similar to a scene in the movie The Patriot - the scene where Heath Ledger is sewn into the sack in the bed when he sleeps over his girlfriend's house. He puts me in a similar sack, except it has eyelets and the eyelets are securely strapped to bed; the sack has four eyelets per side. I am once again strapped down to the bed in such a way that my movement is severely restricted. I asked him why this was necessary and he said it was to ensure blood circulation. I asked him for ice; he gave me ice. He then said he need to check on his other patient; ICU nurses attend to two patients at a time with a floater nurse when help is needed for one patient. He left my room.

Shortly after he left, to my amazement, the bed started to move. All of a sudden at the foot of the bed there were rails going up the wall; they looked like railroad tracks. I quickly realized the bed was moving on those rails. Next thing I know I am upside down on the ceiling being held in the bed by the sack the nurse had strapped me to. There is the subdued, muffled sound of heavy machinery; the room began to separate from the hospital. I could see from my vantage point the hole that was left in the hospital wall as the room was being removed from the hospital. I looked around; I could definitely see that the room was exposed to the elements. The temperature changed; the room was totally dark. I could see the stars and as the room was being removed from the building.  I could see that the hole that was left was being closed by something that simulated the room that I was in. Where they took me and who they were I didn't know.

The next thing I know its morning. I was awakened by the nurse taking my vital signs. I was shocked to find myself back in the same room connected to the hospital. At first I was confused; did that really happen or was it just my imagination? I wanted to tell her about the occurrences during the night, but decided not to as she might have been a co-conspirator. I decided it would be best not to involve anyone until there was something I could do about it. I didn’t tell anyone about it. This same thing happened every night with the exception that Ishmael was not involved and I was not tied to the bed. For about four or five days my hospital room would be removed from the rest of the hospital and I would be transported somewhere. I decided that they were drugging me every night and that was why I kept falling asleep right after the room was separated from the hospital.

Then one day they had to transport me to the dialysis center; as I crossed over the threshold I was looking for evidence of the separation that occurred every night, but I realized there was no such evidence. The building never separated, it was a hallucination. Now here is the thing: is it possible to have the same hallucination for a period of four or five days? Or was the hallucination so real to me that I am convinced it occurred over a period of four or five days, but in reality it was only one hallucination? I also have distinct memories of mundane occurrences that occurred on the days that separated the hallucinations - or were those also part of the hallucination? Is it live or is it memorex?

I had hallucinations for months after I was released from the hospital. The worst part is there would be times, particularly in the afternoon after my afternoon nap, that in the waking moments I had to struggle to distinguish reality from the hallucinations. Never again did I have a repeating hallucination. My hallucinations eventually ended; I was relieved when that part was over. 

Coming soon The Recovery a Long Road.